I've been in relationships before where people have remarked, "yeah, Jen, I know you're married, but you basically act like a single person." Well, I'm not married anymore. But anyway. I ask them to elaborate on what they mean, and they say "you do pretty much what you want to do, and don't seem to need, have, or want the support of your partner." On the one hand, I celebrate that. On the other hand, I think, "ouch." That seems kind of, well, harsh, don't you think? I don't need or want anybody?
I came into dating in the 90's, and there was a lot of feminist sentiment in the air at the time. Most of my friends at the time were lesbians, and I really embraced the notion that I could have my own life, my own style, my own money, my own career. I didn't need to try to attract a man to take care of me. It was almost as though that would be a bad thing, to have someone take care of me. My attitude was bad, I recognize this now. I feel really bad about the male bashing that took place during that time of my life. Men are not evil and awful. They are just people, doing their best. Just like me.
When I think about it and put myself under a lens, I have utterly failed at relationships. Is it because I "act like I'm single?" No. This behavior is a "late stage" lashing out. I think I do need and want support, but if I don't have it, I can get by without it. I'm not going to waste my life waiting around for it.
There is the concept of being "single"---which most people read as "available." Then there is the concept of being "single" as in being a whole and complete individual, without need for someone else to fill in the gaps. I strive for the latter, and I believe that I have my moments. How do I pursue that fully, not melding myself to someone else's ideal? I want to be single---an individual. And I eventually want to form a relationship with another single person. Where it goes from there, well, I can't say.
I think I have some ground work to do. I don't think I am ready. I can give love. I tend to accept people at face value and I treat them as kindly as I know how, at least until they give me some reason to do differently. I don't know how to receive love. I don't know what to do with it. Do I have to give it back? Do I have to be physical about it? What do you want from me? I distrust offers of love.
I have a friend who had a baby this year, and I had an epiphany while watching them over the Thanksgiving holiday. I see how much love is pouring out toward that child, all the time. What does the baby do about it? She drinks it in. She grins and laughs. She knows that she is loved. There is no pretense. The baby is just doing what she knows how to do. She isn't expected to do anything about it. She soaks it all in, like a sponge.
I want to learn something from that. There is love all around me, and I don't have to do anything, except acknowledge that I am loved.
I came into dating in the 90's, and there was a lot of feminist sentiment in the air at the time. Most of my friends at the time were lesbians, and I really embraced the notion that I could have my own life, my own style, my own money, my own career. I didn't need to try to attract a man to take care of me. It was almost as though that would be a bad thing, to have someone take care of me. My attitude was bad, I recognize this now. I feel really bad about the male bashing that took place during that time of my life. Men are not evil and awful. They are just people, doing their best. Just like me.
When I think about it and put myself under a lens, I have utterly failed at relationships. Is it because I "act like I'm single?" No. This behavior is a "late stage" lashing out. I think I do need and want support, but if I don't have it, I can get by without it. I'm not going to waste my life waiting around for it.
There is the concept of being "single"---which most people read as "available." Then there is the concept of being "single" as in being a whole and complete individual, without need for someone else to fill in the gaps. I strive for the latter, and I believe that I have my moments. How do I pursue that fully, not melding myself to someone else's ideal? I want to be single---an individual. And I eventually want to form a relationship with another single person. Where it goes from there, well, I can't say.
I think I have some ground work to do. I don't think I am ready. I can give love. I tend to accept people at face value and I treat them as kindly as I know how, at least until they give me some reason to do differently. I don't know how to receive love. I don't know what to do with it. Do I have to give it back? Do I have to be physical about it? What do you want from me? I distrust offers of love.
I have a friend who had a baby this year, and I had an epiphany while watching them over the Thanksgiving holiday. I see how much love is pouring out toward that child, all the time. What does the baby do about it? She drinks it in. She grins and laughs. She knows that she is loved. There is no pretense. The baby is just doing what she knows how to do. She isn't expected to do anything about it. She soaks it all in, like a sponge.
I want to learn something from that. There is love all around me, and I don't have to do anything, except acknowledge that I am loved.
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